Haikyuuvision
by Remunzel
Summary: It was Kenma who invited him to what the boy called an "Haikyuuvision" and no, Hinata wasn't ready for all that kitsch and sequinning Hell, but as the saying go "Show the orange-haired boy a volley ball and he'll slam it on the other side of the net". Or something like that.


**Characters** : Everyone. Seriously…

 **Warning** : The insanity is high in this fanfic…

 **NoA** : I had to. **I had to**.

* * *

 _And once again, it was the twenty-seventh day of the month._

Hinata jumped out of bed with the force of twenty hurricanes and started to hum some happy song that could nearly mask the impetuous situation the boy found himself into. Still singing softly, the young athlete brushed his teeth and tamed the hair, watching his reflection one last time in the mirror before biking to school. He was ready to fight.

It was the twenty-seventh day of the month and it could mean only one thing: _the war was coming_.  
It'd been almost one year since the first time he'd heard about that strange yet funny ritual Bokuto and Kuroo were so proud of and even if he still doubted the intellect of the two captains sometimes, he couldn't say he regretted taking part to the ritual. Actually, he enjoyed it a lot and was glad that Kenma invited him to what the boy called an "Haikyuuvision".

The very first time he saw the ritual taking place, Hinata grew so sick he was going to faint any moment soon, unready for all that kitsch and sequinning Hell; but as the saying go "Show the orange-haired boy a volley ball and he'll slam it on the other side of the net". Or something like that.

The first two months he and Bokuto were the only two strangers of an otherwise Nekoma-focused ceremony with also well-developed rules. They challenged each other for an Eurovision-related karaoke and who got the highest score from the jury – aka an ill-fated worker of the ill-fated pub - won the title of "Trash king". Hinata had never watched Eurovision before but the prize was tempting and the challenge entertaining. It'd been just a matter of time before he decided to invite the Karasuno too. And then the Fukurodari. And the coaches. They all liked the ritual so much that they kept asking people to come over and this time the special guests were none others than the great and mighty Shiratorizaquackquack; God only knew how Bokuto and Kuroo had managed to convince them to come –something to do with an annoying Captain Owl and a pair of panties- but if until now the Haikyuuvision had been just a competitive yet funny game, now it was the best example of 21th-century-style war all of them had ever had the chance to witness.

Hinata used to put a lot of emphasize in every step he took. The air was cool and the road to the gym still long. He needed to practice after all. Every day after volleyball practice he and his team met and dance-trained together. They had never won since their debut, not even once, but this didn't make them give up, the same way they never gave up any volleyball match. The difference was, while Daichi was an amazing volleyball captain, Tanaka wasn't an as well good dance captain. Or just a good dancer, if he had to be honest, but who knew, maybe Kyouko-san would have finally fall for him if he got better. She was good, their manager. Their jury. So different from that jury-fake Akaashi who always gave the highest score to Kuroo and Bokuto. Crooked. Crooked Afakeshi who voted based on sympathy.

Favourites or not, the Bokuroo duo was surely a force to be reckoned with. Thus far they had only lost once and that was against Kenma and his superb interpretation of Molitva. Something so heart-breaking and devastating that made them all wonder about the meaning of life, the true beauty, the stars in the sky, the relation between the boy and his captain and the amount of tears they could cry before flooding the pub and have to pay for it.

Tanaka greeted Hinata with an annoying "You're late" screamed between a twirl and a jump. Hinata yelled some excuse back and ran to position. Between friends and school and family it was hard to spend time with all the crew doing something different than playing volleyball but the Haikyuuvision was very important to them and they were waiting for the moment when they would have stolen the first position from Bokuto's and Kuroo's asses and raised it up to the sky. Or the ceiling. Possibly not right into the lamp.

The rules were simple:

The winner of a competition chooses the theme of the next one.

Team can change, but only if the last winner allows the change.

The team that go out of theme will be penalised.

If two teams tie the competition Kiyoko-san's choices have more value than Akaashi's.

It was the twenty-seventh day of July and Karasuno was going to face the greatest challenge ever. Yes. Because this time the theme was "Ridiculous exhibitions" and they, who more than everyone else had the ability to rule the competition, put their destinies in the hands of Ryuunosuke Unpredictable Tanaka. The turkey puppet and the feather boa had already been bought when Nishinoya betrayed the cause for supporting Tanaka in his "A love declaration to Kiyoko-san" that got both of them extremely teary and extremely… _uncollaborative_. "Love me back" was marvellous, really, but apart for the boat part with him as the dangling figurehead Hinata doubted it was effectively ridiculous enough to grant them the winning prize. And he sure enough didn't want to be penalized for Tanaka tanaking right and tanaking left, no matter how times Daichi insisted that "That man is the ridiculousness reincarnated, we would win even if we sang Celine Dion". Hinata puffed, remembering himself that he was still having fun, which was the most important thing. Apart for gaining the first position. And the chance to choose the next theme. And make fun of Bokuto and Kuroo.

Hours passed by and eventually the time came for them to fight. They had their mantel/jacket/shirt/whatever redesigned as crow wings and Noya was already crying and rooting for Tanaka. By the time they arrived to Tokyo the libero had melt into an ensemble of feelings. Had they mastered the dance? No. But being that the "Ridiculous exhibitions" challenge maybe their inability would have turned out to be a blessing.

Being Yachi a team on her own and Kiyoko half of the jury they worked by themselves and met directly at the pub, being already there when the volleyball team arrived. When the remaining teams reached their destination, the competition finally begun.

Kiyoko and Akaashi took their seat at the very end of the large and sparkling pink room, on very sparky sparkling pink chairs behind a sparky sparkling pink table.

As per tradition, Yachi's exhibition was the first one to happen. More than once the Karasuno asked her if she wanted to take part to their group but she'd always refused. _She was fine on her own_ , she said. "Scared by the gigantic ball-slammers", Suga translated. For this reason she was now performing Moja Stikla all by herself, without any macho man dancing in the background. Not a big deal after all. Whatever she was saying, that wasn't Croatian for sure but no one noticed – nor was expert enough when it came to Croatian to point her faults-, the same way they didn't notice the lack of men or the fact that her dress was bright orange instead of red. They were all too caught up crying for her tiny tiny feet in those tiny tiny shoes with so very very high heels to realize she was doing a shitty reinterpretation of the old performance. _And how she danced in those_! Most of the presents nearly had an heart attack because "She falls, she breaks everything" and "Prevent the child from her death" and "Who did even invite her here in the first place?". Like Yachi wasn't a great fighter just because she was a small and slim girl with a very shy attitude. She fought and she fought well. Despite the embarrass and the screwed Croatian she never fell not even once and stole the jury's hearts –and stopped many others. A rival far more dangerous than any of them would have expected her to be.

When those crazy heels stopped moving Hinata felt something scratching his insides. It was their turn. Their occasion to win. He breathed in and then out. A tear of sweat running throughout his face. It was time.

He ended up eating more feathers than he would have like to and thanks to Kageyama he nearly face-splattered against the pavement but that was a great show. Tsukishima never quitted despise his continuous complaints and threats to and Asahi and Sugawara turned out to be first class dancers. Very intensive. Very very very intensive. So intensive that nobody noticed Yamaguchi setting fire to a curtain on the other side of the stage. But the more intensive was surely Tanaka, whose interpretation of Can Bonomo was a mix between a heart-breaking Oscar-deserving declaration of love and a dying carrion crow. In Hinata's eyes his senpai had been magnificent, so much that he didn't understand how Kiyoko-san couldn't fall in love with him right away. If he were her he would have melt into a giant squishy squashing watery pool and threw his own arms around his neck and sucked the love out of his lips and let him carry him on through kingdoms, prairies, oceans, skies, Super Mario Kart Rainbow Road,… Not like he tried to make that fantasy real, of course.

Kiyoko-san looked exhausted still they got a high score. The same moment Hinata and his mates got off of the stage the high and intimidating figures of Koutaro Bokuto and Tetsurou Kuroo raised, black mantels covering all their body like they were two trash plastic bags in order to avoid spoilers. That was it: the most powerful and destructive team of them all was descending into battle, large grins on their faces and lips so pink to make the room look sober. Hinata's fear was stronger now than it was before performing. What animal were those two demons going to pull from their hat?

The lights turned off and a beating music made its appearance. Daichi, who recognized it at the first note, whispered a dreadful and painful "Waterline", but the orange-haired blocker didn't even know what a waterline was so he just waited for the end to begin. In less than a second Kuroo and Bokuto were in sight again, glittering armours shining against the black of the stage. _A concentration of dynamite_. There was no other way to explain that exhibition. They jumped here and there like golden monkeys, a fountain was sprouting water around them –how do they even brought a fountain on stage? When? – while crying workers in blonde wigs danced in the background. It was unclear how they found the funds to pay the outfits, the fountains and the dancers but Nekoma refused to answer it: they were trying to disappear into the seat, scared by their captains flying kisses and kawaii-styled blinks. Shiratorizawho never moved a muscle; were they used to Eurovision or what? Hinata had seen a lot coming from the fearful duo but they always found a way to surprise him. And this time was no different… The exhibition ended in the general shock, disgust and incredulity. Kiyoko presented what was an unbelievably exaggerated score –Akaashi had gone out with Kenma the moment Kuroo and Bokuto linked their fingers into a heart- and then begged the next participants to prepare " _as soon as they could_ ".

Next were Ukai, Takeda, , Naoi and Saeko and their position wasn't a case: no one ever wanted to exhibit after Bokuto and Kuroo because it was like pretending that an empty cone was better than a cone with ice cream, but they were different. They couldn't care less about first place, they just wanted to shake their butts left and right and act dumb. Ah, the elders…

With their short kilts and their fake instruments –let alone their drunk-red faces- they started what sounded like a good and rhythmic song. "Greek", said Suga, and Hinata didn't see the ridiculous in it until the refrain began. If you didn't pay attention to the too shorts kilt which more than once revealed the not so manly slips Ukai was wearing, of course. Hinata was surprised, that was such a good song, good voices, good attitude,… Then, like a volleyball hitting Kageyama on the head, a devastating chorus of "Alcohol is free" reached their ears and they all finally understood the reason behind that choice. The alcohol. They were praying the alcohol God for Their benevolence, shaking their asses in Lord Alcohol's favour and missing every good note in Lord Alcohol's favour.

Suddenly they all minded their own business. Hinata was truly interested in how many hairs were on Asahi's beard. Not so many, he surprisingly found out. When it all ended they didn't even bother checking the score, cheering immediately for the remaining members of the Nekoma invited who still had their song to sing. It was always kind of sad for them, betrayed so horribly by their captain. More than once they begged him to perform with them with eyes so teary they would have moved even Ushijima. But not Kuroo Tetsurou, who used to meh and walk away. So they tried their best to look credible, in spite of the fact that the only ones who were still strong enough to try it out even without a leader were just a heavy-legged Haiba, a perennial-angry Yaku a not-so-collaborative Kenma and a tanaking Yamamoto. The only time when Kuroo actually did exhibit with them was the month after Kenma's incredible winning and only because the setter forced him to. _Making your mind up_ , was it not? The only time their show turned out to be decent. To this day, they still were a concentration of uncoordinated and annoyed moves and souls, too disconnected to classify in any category known to humans. But maybe this time their uncertainty would have helped them, together with the participation of the never-gonna-smile-no-matter-what Shirashiratori which would have surely plaied a big part in their ranking.

Kenma was wearing a cute pink dress so short that Kuroo was already crying even before the exhibition began –the last wasn't a big surprise, even Kenma's sneezing breath unchained some sort of excitement in the cats captain- but more than the setter the real shock was Yamamoto's and Yaku's clown-mime-creep make up and… And. And the words to describe Lev's eyesore blue jumpsuit died in the throat of everyone 'till the only wish left was to bathe in holy water and drink the Lord's blood.

Even if finally someone was going to sing a song Hinata already knew, the view was too unhealthy for him to do something different that slightly hummer the "Take my love, take my heart, carry me with you in your dreams" refrain. He could have sworn he saw Tanaka grab his phone and change Yamamoto's number from "City bro" to "Shitty boy". At least Kenma was a good singer.

The pain ended with Haiba's blue crotch still impressed in everyone's pupils. Yaku felt extremely embarrassed and without saying a word ran away from the room, but for the four-members-team there was a good new: Traitorou Kuroo was "so proud of his chiiiiildreeeeeen" the tears kept running down his cheeks –both for their exhibition and Kenma's smooth legs". Once again the heterosexuality of the middle blocker was being called into question but the most important thing was that once done the Mila-and-Shiratorizawa's display Hinata could have finally gone home to change his eyes with new ones. Clear ones. Pure ones. They'd seen much in those months but that night was beyond any limit. That night would have been history, one day.

Ushijima was alone on stage dressed like an old exhibitionist but depressed dandy granpa. As expected, he didn't have any idea about what smiling meant because he stood there singing an unknown boring song, with his total black outfit and a large amount of trash plastic thrown at his feet. "The only ridiculous thing here is the cap" said Lev, who was seriously the only one who had to shut up.

Ushijima sang that tedious rigmarole all by himself, in the worst baritone voice ever, all sad and blue but more black than blue; and there they were, his trashy fellows rising from under the trash plastic and a sweet soprano melody that filled the empty and red and white, blue and yellow. _A Margherita for me, please._

There was no way to express the disgust that sort of… _Gay. Opera. Dubstep. Vampire._ was making them feel. It wouldn't even have been bad if it wasn't for the _execution_. Sweet soprano melody a cactus, Ushijima didn't guess a note not even by mistake and Semi and Tendo were displaying something more similar to an orang-utan rebellion than a dance. If Nekoma's exhibition was a bit shocking this was like Ukai-san trying to seduce Naoi dressed as a granny. Ghh. What a horrible view. Hinata was agonizing in his set. Akaashi was frozen. Kiyoko-san even started to crystalized. Nekoma-sensei was probably dead and the white light which just passed in front of the stage must have been Nishonoya's soul. The only ones still cheering were Bokuto and Kuroo but they weren't human and so didn't count.

Nobody would have ever guessed a show like this from the perennial serious Ushijima and his crew. It was unbelievable. Hinata thought they would have ended last –and that was already enough that they took part to the Haikyuuvision in the first place- and instead they gained a score so high that an actor's salary seemed poop. But maybe the jury was blinded and put more zeros than required. That wouldn't have surprised anyone. They were all still trying to regain their senses.

And when the worst seemed gone the most-than-worst happened. Hinata's mind could whisper him just two words, before he lost his mind forever. Because when the worst seemed gone a duckling-like irritating voice screamed "We stalked you all the way 'till the place, I'm finally going to beat you forever, Ushijima Wakatoshi, be prepared!" from upon and a fully make-up'd Oikawa appeared from the ceiling, followed by all the Aobajousai gang, interpreting the most intense and accurate cover of "Dancing Lasha Tumbai" ever. The captain moved his twenty centimetres heels around like they were snickers, the fake boobs bouncing and flouncing; Iwaizumi and Kindaichi agitated like monkeys in their glowing silver boy-scout clothes and Kyotani was rocking that accordion like a fricking rock star. Yahaba and Kunimi in knee-long golden sequins dresses looked like they were ready to kick everyone's ass out of the room.

Nothing else had ever been so mind-blowing and would have ever been, so Hinata whispered those two words, before getting unconscious, the only words that could actually describe the exhibition.

 _Lev's crotch_.

And the rest really became history. The month after even Bokuto and Kuroo refused to organize their routine Haikyuuvision out of hallucination. They all needed to rest for at least six weeks.  
That day they got a fifth rule:

5\. Never let Oikawa in.

And at least, Tooru Oikawa defeated his worst enemy.

* * *

The songs featured in the story (which, I want to clear, I LOVE! I absolutely adore them all!)

Yachi- Severina - Moja Stikla (Croatia 2006)

Karasuno- Can Bonomo - Love me back (Turkey 2012)

Bokuroo- Jedward - Waterline (Ireland 2012)

"Elders"- Koza Mostra & Agathon Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free (Greece 2013)

Nekoma- Kejsi Tola - Carry Me in Your Dreams (Albania 2009)

Shiratorizawa- Cezar - It's my life (Romania 2013)

Aobajousai - Oikaverka Serduchkawa (I swear it's not fake) - Dancing Lasha Tumbai ( Ukraine 2007)


End file.
